Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
why do cheetos always look like penises
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
