So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
