I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
