Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
