i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
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The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
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I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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