He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just had sex on a roof
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
