I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
