I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
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You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
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