We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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