You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
