He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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