It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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