Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
