question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
