Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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