everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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