Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
