So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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