I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
