No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
