my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I FOUND THE LEGS
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
