I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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