my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
