time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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