i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
