I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
