you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
