bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
