And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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