3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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