I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
