i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
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