So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
