Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You dont lie about slip and slides
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
