I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
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she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
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DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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