census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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