Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
