quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
