i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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