New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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