he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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