I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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