I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I want a musical about memes.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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