ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
