Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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