I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
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