I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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