you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
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My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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