She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
