I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
