I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He shit in the fireplace
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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