I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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