if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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