I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
