Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
