Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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