Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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