Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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