I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
