I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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