your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I feel like a drive thru vagina
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
